A Supervillain Response to Geek Showdown: Star Trek vs. Star Wars

This is a response to Geek Showdown: Star Trek vs. Star Wars.  Click to read the original post.

First off, superheroes are a lot like Klingons…strong but not too bright.  You’ll understand as this goes on.   Here’s a good starter example.  I think the superheroes meant Jayne vs. Worf.  Jayne Cobb is a bad-ass, freakin’, Mr.-Rocket-Launcher-is-gonna-start-barkin’-fire, of-course-I-brought-grenades, one-man, assault machine.  Jane is the girl that is always hanging out with Dick.

Let’s start with Manpower.

If you look at this from strictly an open space battle, the Borg win this one hands down.  They assimilate.  That’s it.  And they add technological and cultural distinctiveness to their own.  So if they assimilate clones…yeah, not looking too good.

If they assimilated Jedi or Sith…not as bad.  The Jedi and Sith derive their powers from rooted belief systems, not from technology or cultural cues.  However, Borg drones with lightsabers scare the shit out of me.

I was literally astonished this picture even existed.

Klingons are bad ass, but not too bright (just like superheroes…callback…ha, ha, rimshot).  And Klingons do speak Terran as most alien races in Star Trek do.  The Klingons actually look at speaking Terran as “knowing your enemy” from way back in the TOS days of Star Trek.  Universal translators are available, but typically only used as plot devices.

The Federation…please…why even bother showing up.  They can sit bench with the Rebels.  Unless we need someone to hit a 2 meter target or go back in time, grab a pair of humpback whales, bring them forward in time and hope the hell they tell a probe what to go do with itself.

Federation and Rebels…you’re warming the bench.

Now the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard was Ewoks beating Tribbles.  Allow me to break this down.  The Ewoks live on Endor, a forest moon.  From what we learn in Star Trek Episode #44: The Trouble with Tribbles, Dr. McCoy explains how the Tribbles eat too much and reproduce way too fast.  They are “basically born pregnant” as Dr. McCoy describes it.  We also learned from Mr. Scott in the episode that the Tribbles worked their way into closed compartments and started eating parts of the ships systems.  Dropping just one Tribble onto a forest moon would be like dropping a match into a barrel of gasoline-soaked dynamite.  Also according to the episode, Spock points out that Tribbles produce a new generation every 12 hours.  That means in just 3 days there would be a over 1.7 million Tribbles running around.  Now you’ve got the Ewoks that survive off the forest.  Yeah, the Tribbles would eat them out of house and home in no time.  The Ewoks would literally starve to death or be buried in Tribbles.  Don’t believe me?  In just 6 days, there would be over 34.5 trillion (yes, trillion with a T) Tribbles on Endor.  Good freakin’ luck, Ewoks.

Ewoks would win against Tribbles? MYTH BUSTED!

Now on to Strength of Fleet

#1. You can’t believe every meme you read on the Internet.

Star Destroyers have deflector shields.  The freakin’ Aluminum Falcon (Robot Chicken reference) had deflector shields.  It’s mentioned in New Hope, Empire, AND Jedi.  So the meme is incorrect.  And you want to know the difference between phaser and lasers and photon and proton torpedoes?  Nothing (Well, a little thing called worry-over-copyright-infringement if you want to get technical).  So when it comes down to weapons and defenses, everyone is on a pretty level playing field.  The real discussion comes down to mobilization of forces.

The Empire wins this one hands down against anyone except the Borg (which we’ll get to in a minute).  The Empire is comparable to the American and Japanese Fleets in the Pacific Theater during World War II.  Nothing in the Star Trek universe even remotely resembles an aircraft carrier.  Star Destroyers are exactly that…big aircraft carriers with tons of TIE Fighters, Bombers, and Interceptors.  Federation, Romulan, Klingon, Ferengi, Andorian, Tholian, Cardassian, even Dominion…nothing comes close to being able to compete with that kind of firepower and maneuverability.  Even the Federation’s run-n-gun ship, the Defiant, couldn’t deal with so many targets at once.

The Federation might have a chance if they still had this Enterprise!

The only race in Star Trek that can compete ship-to-ship is the Borg.  The Borg cubes at Wolf 359 were reported to measure about 3 kilometers across.  Star Destroyers measure 1600 meters, or right at a mile.  So one Borg cube is over twice as long as a single Star Destroyer.  In the Battle of Wolf 359, a single Borg cube destroyed 39 of the 40 Federation ships at the battle.  In the ST:Voyager Episode Endgame, Seven of Nine tells Janeway that the transwarp hub nebula contained 47 Borg vessels.  And in the ST:Voyager Episode Hope and Fear, the dude from Species 116 talks about hundreds of Borg cubes surrounding his homeworld before its destruction.  Not to mention the fact that Commander Shelby pointed out that a Borg cube could remain operative even if 78% of the cube was inoperable.

“But what about the Death Star?”

Oh, you mean that big planet-sized space station that literally moves at the speed of a planet.  Borg got Warp and Transwarp.  The Death Star is boned.

All summed up, the Borg are here to party.  Empire doesn’t stand a chance.

Hey, Chuck…we’re here for your daughter.

So that’s Star Trek-2, Star Wars-0.

Leaders

Now I agreed with the first three sentences of the superheroes section of this.  Star Trek does have an immediate advantage.  The Federation does have a balanced structure of power.  And Star Trek does beat out Star Wars.  But, seriously…you picked Picard?  Really?  Really?  For reals?  You can set your phaser to kill because I’m already stunned.  You picked Picard over Kirk?  You let Picard be your example?  Kirk didn’t even get a mention.  Again, superheroes are strong, but not too bright.

   

Don’t get me wrong…Picard is cool in that your-dad-gets-cooler-as-you-get-older kinda way.  But I mean, damn, even Riker (post Season 1 Beard Riker of course) is a better pick than Picard for straight up coolness.  Kirk and Riker are both born leaders and slay bitches like Tallahassee slays zombies in Zombieland.  Picard learned to play a flute.  I rest my case.

’nuff said.

And Darth Vader doesn’t constantly try to overthrow the Emperor.  Did you guys even watch Star Wars?  And when he does throw the Emperor over the railing, it’s actually the most selfless act Darth Vader performs.  Seriously, did you guys even watch Star Wars?

That makes it a blowout: Star Trek-3, Star Wars-0.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like Star Wars, but in these three categories…Star Trek mops the floor with Star Wars.  Star Trek also wins hands down in one other category: hot babes!

 

 

Star Trek Totally Wins in the Hot Babe Category!

So that’s my rant.  Whew…I’m done now.  Oh yeah, one more thing.  Wil Wheaton called.  He said the superheroes could keep the other “L” that they put in his first name.

Love,
Snazzy Clothes Supervillain Doc